How do you talk to yourself?

That’s a bit weird some would say

But really, how do you talk to yourself?

This is the secret to increased productivity, better relationships at home and work and most importantly, with yourself.

It is the key to unravelling some of the less desirable behaviours we may have – think poor management of relationships at home and work, avoidance of work, overeating, overspending,

Who would not want some of that?

Finding out about how you talk to yourself is the key to getting what you want.

Dr Kristin Neff (Self-Compassion) has done a lot of research in this field, written extensively and published books on it.

She states that having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others.

Think about what the experience of compassion feels like.

First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is.

Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly.

Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.”

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Self-Compassion is not self-pity, self-indulgence or self-esteem.

It is made up of three elements:

Mindfulness– a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. It is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. 

Common Humanity– Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes.  All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect.  Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.

Self-kindness- Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.  Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. 

Do you need some self-compassion?

Yes you say!

But how?

There are many ways, but a simple one is to use supportive touch.

Touch activates the care system and the parasympathetic nervous system to help us calm down and feel safe. It may feel awkward or embarrassing at first, but your body doesn’t know that. It just responds to the physical gesture of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being cuddled in its mother’s arms. Our skin is an incredibly sensitive organ. Research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin, provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms cardiovascular stress. So why not try it?

You might like to try putting your hand on your body during difficult periods several times a day for a period of at least a week.

Kristin Neff suggests the following exercise:

Hand-on-Heart

• When you notice you’re under stress, take 2-3 deep, satisfying breaths.
• Gently place your hand over your heart, feeling the gentle pressure and warmth of your hand. If you wish, place both hands on your chest, noticing the difference between one and two hands.
• Feel the touch of your hand on your chest. If you wish, you could make small circles with your hand on your chest.
• Feel the natural rising and falling of your chest as you breathe in and as you breathe out.
• Linger with the feeling for as long as you like.

So now what?

Cultivating more self-compassion can start the process of unwinding some of the behaviours you would like to stop. It can prevent you from getting into difficult relationships at work. It can make you more productive.

How? Come and have a talk with me at The Professionals Coach and let me show you how this can help you?